An Orgy of One

1. Count your tools!
While I was reading over this with my friends, nobody could really figure out what this meant or what prompted this comment. Perhaps he found some tools, as the response seems concerned about. Or maybe this guy was woken up in the middle of his sleep for some repairs, only to have them not be able to complete the job because of insufficient tools. That one has happened to me before.
2. The generator @ PAD 16.5 seems to go down almost daily hours at a time
I think this is missing a piece of punctuation or something. But I suppose it's a reasonable request for information
3. Chu repairs slow!
I'm reminded of this photo.
4. Need to fix my generator at night not mid day
Again with the generators. Sometimes I wonder how much cheaper this war would have been if we had just approached it as a decades-long occupation and gotten some sort of efficient, long term source of electrical power generation. You know, something different from hundreds of diesel generators on every FOB, which require interruption nearly every day. When it's 130 degrees out, Solar thermal seems like a pretty obvious candidate. Also! Did you know that the Middle East has a lot of oil?

Posted by Joe Dirtbag at 11:42 PM | Permalink | Comments

1. Everyday power gone 2 hours too long
There's a couple different ways to parse this sentence, all of them retarded.
2. Make the clean the floor at the gym (Court)
This one is signed by the same "Stop serving the shit" guy. The theme is obvious - he really loves to use the word "the" a lot.
3. The gym is bad sometimes.
I was laughing about this one for days after I read this. In what universe is this a constructive comment that will accomplish anything?
4. We need a pool like Balad does have.
The fact that this guy abbreviated his rank SSgt indicates that he is probably in the Air Force. The fact that he is complaining that our tiny base does not have a pool also indicates that he's probably in the Air Force. Who the hell would prioritize construction of a swimming pool on a base where over half the residents still live in tents?

Posted by Joe Dirtbag at 3:01 PM | Permalink | Comments

So yesterday's laundry post was pretty basic. Perhaps people don't get as passionate about laundry service, since in some ways it's better than when we're in the U.S.

Food, on the other hand, is another story (click for larger):


4. Stop serving the s***.
I want to know what that Specialist was thinking, filling out the information portion accurately (rank and name) and offering something so profoundly unhelpful as "stop serving the shit" on a comment card. I love that the KBR guy has to actually respond to this, because they aren't allowed to ignore comment cards no matter how ridiculous.

5. Get more fish on the healthy bar 3 weeks now.
What does that even mean? Someone who has been promoted to the rank of Captain has a bachelor's degree at the very minimum. What kind of university diploma does he proudly display in his office? I would be totally unable to diagram this sentence. The "3 weeks now" just completely throws off the rest of the sentence.

Tomorrow - comments about MWR and the gym

Posted by Joe Dirtbag at 3:00 PM | Permalink | Comments

We soldiers tend to resent Kellogg, Brown, and Root - known as KBR. They get to make a lot of money and we don't. So KBR finds it important to continually conduct customer satisfaction surveys with customers who have zero ability to actually choose another company.

And this is what happens when KBR solicits feedback - they find themselves forced to respond to ridiculous things:


This is how the first page starts out. Soldiers, being busy people, cannot be expected to write in complete, coherent phrases. The KBR person, being an asshole, lashes back passive-aggressively with contempt dripping all over the page - note that the grammatical errors are preserved in this document, and he has to start each response with "thank you for writing to us" or something like that. Very rarely do they actually commit to making any changes whatsoever. I'm not a fan of either party here, but it's just funny to watch.

1. Better turn around time!
Yeah, that exclamation point really drives the point home. More so than a verb would.

2. I liked when there was an MWR event information board. It not here anymore.
This one starts off solidly and then just peters out with "It not here anymore." He should wait a few weeks and write again "You not listening to me."

3. Add more soap to clothing.
I don't have much to say about this one, except that it's remarkably curt. The response is just a really long "we'll think about it but we really won't."

More tomorrow.

Posted by Joe Dirtbag at 5:01 PM | Permalink | Comments

I try to keep the stuff here fairly anonymous. It's not hard to figure out who I am, or what unit I'm with, but I try not to make it easy, either.

And I realized after I started my stories with the infantry that there was no way to really keep up the funny without sounding mean-spirited. I mean, I had about one or two hilarious experiences per week, but I have decided against publishing the rest online. Even anonymized, it may give some people the wrong idea of who soldiers are. So while I gave the most embarrassing story of my own (peeing all over myself), I am not prepared to tell the stories that make fun of the guys I was with, even though they were willing to make fun of each other and themselves about them.

I was pretty sad to have to go back to my "day job" - much longer hours and far less satisfaction. But it's all good. I had an interesting experience.

Labels: infantry

Posted by Joe Dirtbag at 9:52 PM | Permalink | Comments

I've heard of Army units giving large quantities of soccer balls to kids, as part of the counterinsurgency strategy.

The unintended consequence is that every time we went out I could not shake off the incessant cries of "MEESTAH MEESTAH, FOOTBALL, FOOTBALL" every time I saw children. I really didn't know where they thought I was hiding a soccer ball, but it's not like I had a backpack or anything like that on.

I mean, I gave the kids candy or water, and they'd smile for 2 seconds, and then they'd start begging aloud again - "MEESTAH MEESTAH FOOTBALL FOOTBALL!"

Oh well, what are you going to do. A lot of those kids can't remember life before the Americans showed up.

Labels: infantry

Posted by Joe Dirtbag at 12:27 PM | Permalink | Comments

After a few patrols, I had gotten used to the idea of planning around bathroom breaks. We'd get out of the vehicles for dismounted patrol, so it wouldn't be too difficult to find a place to pee every few hours.

Well one day we didn't dismount. I kept waiting for the order to come over the radio to "stop the vehicles and get out here," but it never came. And my bladder was reaching its limits. "No problem, though," I thought. "I'll just use this nearby Gatorade bottle. It's got a wide mouth, and it'll screw shut.

The body armor we wear is bulky and unwieldy. It makes us hot and drains away our endurance. It makes it difficult to move quickly, climb over walls, and, I was about to find out, see into the bottle I'm peeing into. I also soon discovered that my bladder holds more fluid than the 20 oz that a Gatorade bottle holds. As the warm, pungent overflow poured out onto my hands and pants, the other guys in the squad erupted in laughter.

Awesome.

Labels: infantry

Posted by Joe Dirtbag at 6:45 AM | Permalink | Comments

So my first patrol with the infantry unit I was with wasn't particularly eventful, but I learned an important lesson - put effort into planning bathroom breaks. Sometimes you're going to be in a situation where peeing really isn't an option.

The really weird thing, though, was the end of the patrol. Our interpreter was going to take a few weeks off to travel somewhere, and it was his last day working for us for a while. He had us drop him off at his house. I had never really imagined that it would happen. The interpreters I've always worked with before were usually not Iraqi citizens, much less local residents. But the guy insisted that we take him to his house to save time. So we did. And it was surreal.

Labels: infantry

Posted by Joe Dirtbag at 6:11 PM | Permalink | Comments

A coworker and I recently spent a little bit over a month attached to an infantry platoon at another base. We were picked up in Strykers and convoyed over to where they live.

Knowing the poor reputation that pogues such as myself have among the combat arms types, I wanted to make sure that I knew what I was doing. Unfortunately, upon exiting our FOB, the squad leader instructed everyone to "PUT YOUR NODS (night vision goggles) ON."

Shit.

I had just gotten NVGs that day, and the mount wasn't yet put on my helmet. Being in a convoy outside the wire meant that I'd have to figure out how to put on my NVGs without taking my helmet off. It took me approximately 40 minutes of our 60 minute drive. Even my shoulders and hands were tired from holding my arms up trying to get everything on right.

So much for first impressions.

Photo by SSgt Stacy L. Pearsall, US Air Force

Labels: infantry

Posted by Joe Dirtbag at 3:01 PM | Permalink | Comments

While we were doing clearing operations in a neighborhood the other day, a friendly "hostess" offered us sodas and candy. This happens occasionally, and we graciously accepted.

This Iraqi candy had the texture of soft taffy. Upon biting into it, the first taste I noticed could be described as slightly sweet and chewy, but with a distracting rosemary taste. As it dissolved on the tongue, the taste shifted into the cheapest of Chinese restaurant teas. The final act as it was being swallowed was to take on the taste of shampoo. Bitter, soapy shampoo.

I smiled at the nice lady, and politely declined when she offered another one.

Posted by Joe Dirtbag at 5:38 AM | Permalink | Comments

I just had a schwarma while out on patrol. It wasn't the best I've ever had, but it was the best schwarma I've ever had for less than $1.

I'll find out in the next few hours whether this was a huge mistake or not.

Posted by Joe Dirtbag at 2:15 PM | Permalink | Comments

Does the 5-second rule apply when you drop food on the ground outside?
What if it happens in a 3rd-world country and you have a 1st-world immune system?
What if the ground is sandy, as is the case in Iraq?
What if the food is soft, moist and porous, like cheesecake?

A few hours ago I decided "YES" is the appropriate answer to all of the above, because the DFAC had closed and today is my weekly designated dessert day. Time will tell whether it was a good idea to eat that possibly diseased, sandy cheesecake.

Posted by Joe Dirtbag at 7:23 AM | Permalink | Comments

When we had Thanksgiving chow in Iraq, I appreciated it. There was prime rib and turkey and ham and stuffing and things of that nature. They even set out sparkling grape juice and cider for us. It was about as awesome as Thanksgiving in Iraq can be.

When Christmas rolled around, I was glad that they got a bunch of turkey and prime rib and ham and stuffing again. Again, the sparkling cider and grape juice was placed strategically throughout the chow hall. And while I would have rather been with my family on Christmas, it was a nice gesture.

I started to get suspicious when the same meal appeared for MLK's birthday with the sparkling juice.

President's day was the same thing.

And so today, Easter, I had prime rib and turkey with stuffing and gravy. With sparkling grape juice. I turned down the ham this time.

Posted by Joe Dirtbag at 8:14 AM | Permalink | Comments

I have made fun of children in the past. I'm not the first to do so. But it's still funny:



"you are fighting them and helping free the slaves, it has to get confusing. You're hopefully winning like my basketball team. (5 wins 1 lose)
from, Robert"

Yes, I feel guilty for laughing at this, but not so guilty that I didn't want to share.

Posted by Joe Dirtbag at 5:08 AM | Permalink | Comments

A friend observed at work that the Obama administration keeps rolling out new federal websites with simple domain names:
change.gov
recovery.gov
financialstability.gov
etc.
which join a bunch of other simple domains that follow the (common word or two).gov format, like
ready.gov
pandemicflu.gov
mypyramid.gov
etc.

My friend further observed that "hey why not, it's not like private interests could take their .gov domains."

Which brings me to the top level domain of .mil. Here are some sites; let's see if you can guess what they're for:

www.dfas.mil
www.usfk.mil
www.dodvclips.mil
www.dma.mil

Why not finance.mil, korea.mil, video.mil, and media.mil? That's because the Army will never use normal words when jargon exists. The best part is that they could easily do both at practically no cost - the marginal cost of each domain name pointing to the same server is probably tiny, since DoD owns the entire ".mil" top-level domain.

Posted by Joe Dirtbag at 4:46 AM | Permalink | Comments

Another phone conversation with the civilian tech support line:

Support guy - "Ok you're all set. In about 5 minutes, wait 10 minutes and then try again."
Me - "Uh, ok. So try again in 15 minutes?"
Support guy - "Hmm. Yeah, I guess that adds up to 15 minutes."

Posted by Joe Dirtbag at 4:01 AM | Permalink | Comments

So occasionally we have to call back to the United States to help troubleshoot some equipment for us. Obviously there is a time difference. I wouldn't think that's a big problem, since the tech support line is specifically for soldiers deployed overseas. And you know, there's a war on. Well, I made a mistaken assumption thinking that DoD's civilian contractors worked to support us in our mission. An excerpt from the phone conversation:

Me - (Description of the problem)
Civilian - "Sigh. Sir, do you know what time it is over here?"

I remember just being confused for a moment:

1. I thought the help line was 24 hours for a reason.
2. The vast majority of their calls have to come from either Iraq or Afghanistan.
3. I'm calling this guy at his workplace, where his job is to answer phones and troubleshoot problems. It's not like I woke him up in his bed at some ungodly hour. He's on the clock.

I didn't understand the senior NCOs' distaste for civilians until this deployment. I don't hate civilians - I just hate civilians who happen to work directly within the military bureaucracy.

Posted by Joe Dirtbag at 6:08 AM | Permalink | Comments

I received the following in an email about some training I didn't know I signed up for:

Army Knowledge Online users can view an unofficial copy of your training record, including future reservations, by visiting the AKO Site (http://www.army.mil/):
Sign into your AKO account:
-Click on "Self Service" link
-Click on "My Education" link
-Click on "Go to ATRRS Online" link
-Click on "Individual Training Record" link (top left side, in student menu)
Note: A web version of the ATRRS "RS" (reservations) function will pop-up. If you need more information on a course you can click the course and get the report, the start and end dates, as well as the location of the school.

There are several problems here.

1. That's not the correct URL to the AKO website.
2. Isn't there an address for the actual page I'm looking for? Asking me to log into a site and then click 5 times on different links seems like a huge waste of my time when my internet is this slow, and the pages I'm navigating through are large.
3. That last link doesn't exist, and none of the other links on that page really give me any information about this mystery class I've "signed up" for.
4. The information given shows that this class started 10 days before I received this email. I mean, it's supposed to be an online course, but I can't figure anything else out about it. Or even where I'm supposed to complete it at.

I guess I'll ask my training NCO about it.

Posted by Joe Dirtbag at 9:10 AM | Permalink | Comments

I was without internet for a while - the satellite modem that provides internet to about 25 people in our housing area on the FOB went down on the same day that MWR's air conditioner caught on fire. Since I know of an Army computer that actually connects to the ordinary internet, I got to try that out a few times to check my email. Some things I noticed:

1. They kinda try to block "blog/personal page" websites, but it doesn't seem to make any sense to me. Bloglines is blocked, but not Google Reader. Sites with "blog" in the url are not necessarily blocked, but they HAVE blocked The Internet Food Association. I can visit most of the blogs I care to read, but not the web-based aggregator of choice. This causes me to waste more time than necessary on the government network.
2. AKO doesn't work from the computer I was using. This confuses me, because I have since confirmed that it works just fine from every other computer.
3. I can't open attached documents in Gmail in Google Apps, because web applications are blocked. Even if it's work related.

Well, then again, Army IT jobs are one of those things where I'm convinced I can do a much better job than the status quo, without the benefit of actually attending their MOS's training.

Posted by Joe Dirtbag at 3:54 AM | Permalink | Comments

Before I came to Iraq, I actually looked forward to fewer stupid rules. I was mostly wrong about that.

From S4 at War (a unit S4 is responsible for supply/logistics and stuff) comes this story of how KBR gets stuck behind an invisible line, because the rules state that they can't cross it to clean a port-o-pottie. To me, though, the real story isn't the officer who has to make sure it gets done, but rather the soldier who actually gets tasked with moving the latrines daily onto the other side of this invisible line.

Posted by Joe Dirtbag at 4:37 PM | Permalink | Comments