An Orgy of One

After a few patrols, I had gotten used to the idea of planning around bathroom breaks. We'd get out of the vehicles for dismounted patrol, so it wouldn't be too difficult to find a place to pee every few hours.

Well one day we didn't dismount. I kept waiting for the order to come over the radio to "stop the vehicles and get out here," but it never came. And my bladder was reaching its limits. "No problem, though," I thought. "I'll just use this nearby Gatorade bottle. It's got a wide mouth, and it'll screw shut.

The body armor we wear is bulky and unwieldy. It makes us hot and drains away our endurance. It makes it difficult to move quickly, climb over walls, and, I was about to find out, see into the bottle I'm peeing into. I also soon discovered that my bladder holds more fluid than the 20 oz that a Gatorade bottle holds. As the warm, pungent overflow poured out onto my hands and pants, the other guys in the squad erupted in laughter.

Awesome.

Posted by Joe Dirtbag at 6:45 AM | Permalink | Comments

So my first patrol with the infantry unit I was with wasn't particularly eventful, but I learned an important lesson - put effort into planning bathroom breaks. Sometimes you're going to be in a situation where peeing really isn't an option.

The really weird thing, though, was the end of the patrol. Our interpreter was going to take a few weeks off to travel somewhere, and it was his last day working for us for a while. He had us drop him off at his house. I had never really imagined that it would happen. The interpreters I've always worked with before were usually not Iraqi citizens, much less local residents. But the guy insisted that we take him to his house to save time. So we did. And it was surreal.

Posted by Joe Dirtbag at 6:11 PM | Permalink | Comments

A coworker and I recently spent a little bit over a month attached to an infantry platoon at another base. We were picked up in Strykers and convoyed over to where they live.

Knowing the poor reputation that pogues such as myself have among the combat arms types, I wanted to make sure that I knew what I was doing. Unfortunately, upon exiting our FOB, the squad leader instructed everyone to "PUT YOUR NODS (night vision goggles) ON."

Shit.

I had just gotten NVGs that day, and the mount wasn't yet put on my helmet. Being in a convoy outside the wire meant that I'd have to figure out how to put on my NVGs without taking my helmet off. It took me approximately 40 minutes of our 60 minute drive. Even my shoulders and hands were tired from holding my arms up trying to get everything on right.

So much for first impressions.

Photo by SSgt Stacy L. Pearsall, US Air Force

Labels: infantry

Posted by Joe Dirtbag at 3:01 PM | Permalink | Comments

While we were doing clearing operations in a neighborhood the other day, a friendly "hostess" offered us sodas and candy. This happens occasionally, and we graciously accepted.

This Iraqi candy had the texture of soft taffy. Upon biting into it, the first taste I noticed could be described as slightly sweet and chewy, but with a distracting rosemary taste. As it dissolved on the tongue, the taste shifted into the cheapest of Chinese restaurant teas. The final act as it was being swallowed was to take on the taste of shampoo. Bitter, soapy shampoo.

I smiled at the nice lady, and politely declined when she offered another one.

Posted by Joe Dirtbag at 5:38 AM | Permalink | Comments

I just had a schwarma while out on patrol. It wasn't the best I've ever had, but it was the best schwarma I've ever had for less than $1.

I'll find out in the next few hours whether this was a huge mistake or not.

Posted by Joe Dirtbag at 2:15 PM | Permalink | Comments

Does the 5-second rule apply when you drop food on the ground outside?
What if it happens in a 3rd-world country and you have a 1st-world immune system?
What if the ground is sandy, as is the case in Iraq?
What if the food is soft, moist and porous, like cheesecake?

A few hours ago I decided "YES" is the appropriate answer to all of the above, because the DFAC had closed and today is my weekly designated dessert day. Time will tell whether it was a good idea to eat that possibly diseased, sandy cheesecake.

Posted by Joe Dirtbag at 7:23 AM | Permalink | Comments

When we had Thanksgiving chow in Iraq, I appreciated it. There was prime rib and turkey and ham and stuffing and things of that nature. They even set out sparkling grape juice and cider for us. It was about as awesome as Thanksgiving in Iraq can be.

When Christmas rolled around, I was glad that they got a bunch of turkey and prime rib and ham and stuffing again. Again, the sparkling cider and grape juice was placed strategically throughout the chow hall. And while I would have rather been with my family on Christmas, it was a nice gesture.

I started to get suspicious when the same meal appeared for MLK's birthday with the sparkling juice.

President's day was the same thing.

And so today, Easter, I had prime rib and turkey with stuffing and gravy. With sparkling grape juice. I turned down the ham this time.

Posted by Joe Dirtbag at 8:14 AM | Permalink | Comments

I have made fun of children in the past. I'm not the first to do so. But it's still funny:



"you are fighting them and helping free the slaves, it has to get confusing. You're hopefully winning like my basketball team. (5 wins 1 lose)
from, Robert"

Yes, I feel guilty for laughing at this, but not so guilty that I didn't want to share.

Posted by Joe Dirtbag at 5:08 AM | Permalink | Comments

A friend observed at work that the Obama administration keeps rolling out new federal websites with simple domain names:
change.gov
recovery.gov
financialstability.gov
etc.
which join a bunch of other simple domains that follow the (common word or two).gov format, like
ready.gov
pandemicflu.gov
mypyramid.gov
etc.

My friend further observed that "hey why not, it's not like private interests could take their .gov domains."

Which brings me to the top level domain of .mil. Here are some sites; let's see if you can guess what they're for:

www.dfas.mil
www.usfk.mil
www.dodvclips.mil
www.dma.mil

Why not finance.mil, korea.mil, video.mil, and media.mil? That's because the Army will never use normal words when jargon exists. The best part is that they could easily do both at practically no cost - the marginal cost of each domain name pointing to the same server is probably tiny, since DoD owns the entire ".mil" top-level domain.

Posted by Joe Dirtbag at 4:46 AM | Permalink | Comments

Another phone conversation with the civilian tech support line:

Support guy - "Ok you're all set. In about 5 minutes, wait 10 minutes and then try again."
Me - "Uh, ok. So try again in 15 minutes?"
Support guy - "Hmm. Yeah, I guess that adds up to 15 minutes."

Posted by Joe Dirtbag at 4:01 AM | Permalink | Comments

So occasionally we have to call back to the United States to help troubleshoot some equipment for us. Obviously there is a time difference. I wouldn't think that's a big problem, since the tech support line is specifically for soldiers deployed overseas. And you know, there's a war on. Well, I made a mistaken assumption thinking that DoD's civilian contractors worked to support us in our mission. An excerpt from the phone conversation:

Me - (Description of the problem)
Civilian - "Sigh. Sir, do you know what time it is over here?"

I remember just being confused for a moment:

1. I thought the help line was 24 hours for a reason.
2. The vast majority of their calls have to come from either Iraq or Afghanistan.
3. I'm calling this guy at his workplace, where his job is to answer phones and troubleshoot problems. It's not like I woke him up in his bed at some ungodly hour. He's on the clock.

I didn't understand the senior NCOs' distaste for civilians until this deployment. I don't hate civilians - I just hate civilians who happen to work directly within the military bureaucracy.

Posted by Joe Dirtbag at 6:08 AM | Permalink | Comments

I received the following in an email about some training I didn't know I signed up for:

Army Knowledge Online users can view an unofficial copy of your training record, including future reservations, by visiting the AKO Site (http://www.army.mil/):
Sign into your AKO account:
-Click on "Self Service" link
-Click on "My Education" link
-Click on "Go to ATRRS Online" link
-Click on "Individual Training Record" link (top left side, in student menu)
Note: A web version of the ATRRS "RS" (reservations) function will pop-up. If you need more information on a course you can click the course and get the report, the start and end dates, as well as the location of the school.

There are several problems here.

1. That's not the correct URL to the AKO website.
2. Isn't there an address for the actual page I'm looking for? Asking me to log into a site and then click 5 times on different links seems like a huge waste of my time when my internet is this slow, and the pages I'm navigating through are large.
3. That last link doesn't exist, and none of the other links on that page really give me any information about this mystery class I've "signed up" for.
4. The information given shows that this class started 10 days before I received this email. I mean, it's supposed to be an online course, but I can't figure anything else out about it. Or even where I'm supposed to complete it at.

I guess I'll ask my training NCO about it.

Posted by Joe Dirtbag at 9:10 AM | Permalink | Comments

I was without internet for a while - the satellite modem that provides internet to about 25 people in our housing area on the FOB went down on the same day that MWR's air conditioner caught on fire. Since I know of an Army computer that actually connects to the ordinary internet, I got to try that out a few times to check my email. Some things I noticed:

1. They kinda try to block "blog/personal page" websites, but it doesn't seem to make any sense to me. Bloglines is blocked, but not Google Reader. Sites with "blog" in the url are not necessarily blocked, but they HAVE blocked The Internet Food Association. I can visit most of the blogs I care to read, but not the web-based aggregator of choice. This causes me to waste more time than necessary on the government network.
2. AKO doesn't work from the computer I was using. This confuses me, because I have since confirmed that it works just fine from every other computer.
3. I can't open attached documents in Gmail in Google Apps, because web applications are blocked. Even if it's work related.

Well, then again, Army IT jobs are one of those things where I'm convinced I can do a much better job than the status quo, without the benefit of actually attending their MOS's training.

Posted by Joe Dirtbag at 3:54 AM | Permalink | Comments

Before I came to Iraq, I actually looked forward to fewer stupid rules. I was mostly wrong about that.

From S4 at War (a unit S4 is responsible for supply/logistics and stuff) comes this story of how KBR gets stuck behind an invisible line, because the rules state that they can't cross it to clean a port-o-pottie. To me, though, the real story isn't the officer who has to make sure it gets done, but rather the soldier who actually gets tasked with moving the latrines daily onto the other side of this invisible line.

Posted by Joe Dirtbag at 4:37 PM | Permalink | Comments

So as a junior enlisted soldier, I am sometimes called to do things like pick up trash. It's a lot like volunteering for an Adopt-a-Highway program, where you pick up trash and put it in a trash bag. We do it every morning here, and it usually isn't anything worth writing home about.

Today was different. It was my day to pick up trash. About 15 minutes into it, I picked up a water bottle that I thought was covered in mud. It was wholly unremarkable in itself. I threw it in the trash, not taking much notice about what made this muddy water bottle so special. As I continued along, picking up other trash, I caught a distinct whiff of shit. It was coming from inside the trash bag. I doublechecked, and there was indeed what appeared to be shit smeared all over the inside of the bag. Confused, I stopped and stood motionless for about 2 seconds trying to comprehend what was happening. What happened next in my mind went something like this:

"Wait where did this come from? OH JEEZ it was that muddy water bottle. That wasn't mud That was liquefied human shit OH IT IS ALL OVER MY HANDS WTF HOW DID IT GET ALL OVER THE OUTSIDE OF THIS BAG THE STENCH IS OVERWHELMING ME WHY DIDN'T I WEAR GLOVES TODAY I NEED TO GO TO THE TRASH CAN NOW."

While dry heaving, I walked very quickly to the nearest trash can and threw away the entire bag, and made a beeline to the nearest bathroom. I scrubbed thoroughly, muttering under my breath, asking myself why I didn't get a normal job after college.

Posted by Joe Dirtbag at 1:43 AM | Permalink | Comments

"How the hell can I expect to get into law school if I can't even finish the crossword puzzle in the Stars and Stripes?"

Posted by Joe Dirtbag at 12:17 PM | Permalink | Comments

This story is funny. Reminds me of a fairly common printout that I've seen posted on walls, usually accompanying a photo of R. Lee Ermey:

"This is my reflective belt. There are many like it but this one is mine. My reflective belt is my best friend. It is my life. I must master it as I must master my life. Without me, my reflective belt is useless. Without my reflective belt I am useless. I must wear my reflective belt. My reflective belt makes me luminous to my enemy, who is trying to kill me. Before God I swear this creed: my reflective belt and myself are defenders of my country, we are the masters of my enemy, we are the saviors of my life. So be it, until there is no enemy, but peace. Amen."

After being in the Army for a while, you get used to rules that a) must be followed no matter what and b) are highly inconvenient for everyone involved and c) are so poorly thought-out that the rule actually fails in its original purpose.

Posted by Joe Dirtbag at 3:30 PM | Permalink | Comments

I thought this apartment listing ad was hilarious. To me it's a pretty obvious joke about prison, but it bears a striking similarity to my housing situation in the barracks back in garrison.

Labels: barracks

Posted by Joe Dirtbag at 4:06 AM | Permalink | Comments

While we were back in garrison, we did various field training exercises out in the woods. We knew a CSM (Command Sergeant Major, pretty much the highest enlisted rank in the Army) who really enjoyed using his M4 to point at people, which really made everyone uncomfortable. While most of us didn't really agree with this terrible habit, nobody called him out on it because he had the rank where he was essentially untouchable, and besides - we were in a training environment with blanks, and nobody was really going to get hurt.

Now we're in Iraq, and this CSM decided to yell at a friend of mine for wearing unauthorized headgear. Of course, to get his attention he used his Stryker's .50 cal to point straight at my friend while screaming obscenities. The weapon was cleared, but still. I doubt there is ever a good reason for that, and even if there is, unauthorized wear of a PT cap isn't one of them.

Image by John Rohan and used under a Creative Commons license.

Posted by Joe Dirtbag at 1:27 AM | Permalink | Comments

Between me and my friend Evan, who is in America (an awesome country to be in for Christmas) rather than with me in Iraq (a less awesome country for an American to be in for Christmas):

me: apparently people who don't celebrate festivus don't always appreciate my airing of grievances
Evan: haha
Evan: http://www.usafband.af.mil/ensembles/BandDiscography.asp?albumID=58
Evan: it's the Air Force's nu-metal band, MAX IMPACT
Evan: one of the more hilarious things I've seen this month
me: oh jeez
me: what...MOS is this?
me: i wonder how that conversation goes at the air force ball
me: full bird colonel
me: his job is "commander and music director"
Evan: well, I'm guessing they're probably already from the band MOS's, although it could be like our All-American Chorus, which is just a billeting, drawn from all different branches
me: this "follow me" is awful
me: wow
me: i mean wow
Evan: "pick up your weapon and follow me / I think we have some chemistry" ???!@???
me: hahahahaha
Evan: I think this woman's got relationship issues
me: wait
me: i just realized
me: i need to put this on my mp3 player
me: and bring it into work
me: put it on speakers
Evan: oh yeah, definitely
me: i might get punched in the face
Evan: and you'd deserve it
me: if you don't post this to my blog i'm posting it on mine
me: i mean yours
me: you know what i mean
Evan: yeah, I think I'll have to, but right now I gots to go. Staff duty on Christmas Eve. Jerks.
me: oh boo freaking hoo
Evan: hahaha
Evan: Merry Christmas
me: you too buddy

It's got everything that I know about soldiers. Making fun of the Air Force, inappropriate speculation about a woman's relationship issues, griping about one's situation, and the early mental formations of a workplace prank.

Posted by Joe Dirtbag at 5:15 AM | Permalink | Comments