Children write crappy letters to the troops
My unit had a holiday party last night, and it was pretty entertaining. One of the local elementary schools had their students write letters to the troops, and they were placed at our seats at the dining tables to boost our morale or something.
This one was a pretty representative letter of all the ones I read. There's nothing special, just awful handwriting and misspellings. It took me a while to figure out that "grand perant" was "grandparent," and I still don't know what "hard shies" are.
This one opens with a simple greeting - no need to bother with words like "Dear" or anything like that, just bark "Soldier!" at your intended recipient. He'll understand. He's in the Army. The first sentence establishes a condescending tone, reassuring you that even 8 year olds are too good for your career. And then he tells us, "Please don't stop if you want." Does he mean that we shouldn't stop even if we want to stop, or does he mean we shouldn't stop unless we want to? And the last sentence wins the award for most abrupt conclusion ever.
This is my favorite greeting. He can't figure out what to call personnel in the Navy or Air Force, but he tries anyway. If I'm ever injured in combat, I will take this boy's advice and look at the bright side! I'm alive! He would never know how it would feel if any of his family members die - wait, actually he kinda knows because one of his friends' dad died, which was like everyone died. On that note, enjoy your feast!
I know they mean well, but seriously - a handshake from an appreciative adult means so much more to me than a poorly written letter by some kid who was told to write it. It lifted my morale, but then I'm an asshole who takes pleasure in mocking children.
Photos courtesy JT.
This one was a pretty representative letter of all the ones I read. There's nothing special, just awful handwriting and misspellings. It took me a while to figure out that "grand perant" was "grandparent," and I still don't know what "hard shies" are.
This one opens with a simple greeting - no need to bother with words like "Dear" or anything like that, just bark "Soldier!" at your intended recipient. He'll understand. He's in the Army. The first sentence establishes a condescending tone, reassuring you that even 8 year olds are too good for your career. And then he tells us, "Please don't stop if you want." Does he mean that we shouldn't stop even if we want to stop, or does he mean we shouldn't stop unless we want to? And the last sentence wins the award for most abrupt conclusion ever.
This is my favorite greeting. He can't figure out what to call personnel in the Navy or Air Force, but he tries anyway. If I'm ever injured in combat, I will take this boy's advice and look at the bright side! I'm alive! He would never know how it would feel if any of his family members die - wait, actually he kinda knows because one of his friends' dad died, which was like everyone died. On that note, enjoy your feast!
I know they mean well, but seriously - a handshake from an appreciative adult means so much more to me than a poorly written letter by some kid who was told to write it. It lifted my morale, but then I'm an asshole who takes pleasure in mocking children.
Photos courtesy JT.
Asshole! They're trying hard! Be nice to kids who have no clue to write, forced to write letters by their teachers.
Actually, I always wondered if soldiers actually read those stupid letters that teachers make you write. I remember writing one, thinking, "WTF should I say? I hope you have a good Christmas. Don't get shot." (...you know Operation Desert Storm era)
Posted by
FUNG! |
December 21, 2007 9:10 PM
So how did I not know you had this blog as well? I suppose I did, back in the day, but then I forgot about it. Whatever.
Posted by
Evan |
December 24, 2007 10:55 AM
Yes, Fung, we read them. Then we make fun of civilians and their children. Honestly, soldiers aren't really likeable people.
And Evan, yes, I know I talked of putting up a blog by this name for over a year before I finally did, but recently I was just bored enough to go ahead and do it. You were the one who convinced me that "gangbang of one" was a bad idea.
Posted by
Shane |
January 3, 2008 7:59 PM
This is probably a few weeks too late, but I think "hard shies" is supposed to be "hardships".
Posted by
Justin |
January 4, 2008 4:45 AM
No, the letters weren't well written. No, they didn't really seem to have a point. Of course, teachers force kids to write stuff to soldiers so they try to think outside the box and put something unique and meaningful (and fail in the process). Still, I tip my hat to the CO for half-way through the night reminding everyone how that was our last Christmas together. (as if we had magically forgotten)
Posted by
James |
February 15, 2008 9:42 AM
This post was so funny it actually made me pee a little. I'm going to go wash out my underwear now. God, why do I have to endure these hard shies?
Posted by
Your Pal Eric |
May 16, 2008 9:50 PM