Advertise to dumbasses by calling them smart
So I'm on Facebook catching up with some friends, and an ad catches my eye. It says SMART SOLDIER in big silver letters on a black background. The ad itself is ridiculous, as you can see on the right. It advertises loopholes and tips to help you get what you want out of the Army. And it's only $12 a month!Seriously, I've got an even better source of information - it's called not being a douchebag. NCOs and Officers will give you plenty of advice to advance in your military career. A lot of them have good experience that's worth learning from. Unless, of course, you have no social skills and suck at your job - then they probably won't want to help you much on their own time. Assuming of course that you want stuff like career advice. If you just want to be a career specialist and want to use loopholes, your unit probably has some master shamurai. There's a guy in my platoon known as the "Rainman of Shammers" because he can avoid the most unavoidable details and formations. And if you are anything but a complete social outcast these E-4's with like 7 years in the service will gladly share their tricks of the trade.
So I click on the link and it has a bunch of boxes targeting different demographics. For the guy who's interested in joining the Army, there's bullet points like "Tips and Tricks to ace basic training" and "Get out of the delayed entry program." Well, I've got a tip to ace basic training - don't be retarded. Seriously, if the prospect of running a 16 minute 2 mile and doing 45 pushups in 2 minutes and doing 55 pushups in 2 minutes sounds too difficult for you, I really would rather not have you around because you probably suck at life. If you can't hit 57.5% of the targets presented to you at the shooting range, including several man-sized targets within 100 meters, you would probably fail at anything. Oh, and for those who are wondering on how to "Get out of the delayed entry program," it's called just not going. There is no penalty, except for some pressure from the recruiter. If you're not a person who can follow through with commitments, again, you are probably doomed to living with your mother at the age of 30.
For those who are already in the military, the home page boasts advice on "Passing the tape test, urinalysis, and more." It's called not being fat and stop doing drugs, dumbass.
Then for those who are about to get out, there's advice for "What to do if you're AWOL." You know what, I'm ok with this website taking those guys' money. Then for the vets there are other things that I really don't know about, because I'm not really concerned with that stuff.
But seriously. Who the hell doesn't know how to use Google? You can find all this stuff for free in probably less time than it takes to put in your credit card number. I like how the site reassures you that you're a smart soldier, despite the fact that you're paying $12 a month for something that's worth $0. Congratulations, you truly are a smart soldier.
Post a Comment
