An Orgy of One

Most of my friends from AIT went on to airborne school and got into airborne units. I did not.

I mentioned airborne pathogens the other day, and my platoon sergeant (who proudly wears his jumpmaster wings) didn't like the disrespect I was showing towards the airborne corps by lumping them into the same category as the viruses that make us sick. He launched into a heartfelt and emotional soliloquy about how much he misses jumping out of aircraft and how he wished he was still in an airborne unit and how he cares more about airborne stuff than any of us stupid, ugly motherfuckers.

I interrupted him mid-speech -
Me: "Well Sergeant, I want to go. Will you help me fill out a packet for airborne school?"
PSG: "I'm not helping you with shit."
Me: "Why not?"
PSG: "Because there are no slots in jump school for dirty, stupid legs like you."

Fair enough.

Posted by Joe Dirtbag at 8:10 PM | Permalink | Comments

Today, in a formation, our commander admitted to making a mistake earlier in the day and apologized to one of the platoons for "correcting" them when they had actually done nothing wrong. As part of the apology, the commander got down and started doing pushups. Sometimes I wonder if the military knows how to communicate with anything other than physical training, but that's another topic for another day.

Soon after the commander asks us to "count out loud" for him, we hear the familiar chant of a large group counting reps of some exercise. And before we could count to three, the first sergeant began berating all of us "WHEN THE COMMANDER GETS DOWN TO PUSH ALL OF YOU HAD BETTER GET DOWN TOO AND PUSH!" So all of us ended up doing a great deal of unnecessary pushups in the snow.

I hope next time the commander makes a mistake, he just keeps it to himself. I'd rather he never admit error than to have to accept another one of these "apologies."

Posted by Joe Dirtbag at 6:17 PM | Permalink | Comments

Back when I was in AIT, the DFAC didn't have napkins at the table. Instead, napkins were dispensed by the silverware and trays, so one would have to grab napkins and bring them to the table. This was a stupid idea, encouraging waste and probably only saving a few bucks on napkin dispensers at the dining tables.

Some guys would show up at the tables with a plate of spaghetti and 20 napkins. Dude, there's no reason for that. You're not eating ribs, and you're not eating buffalo wings. Then again, some soldiers eat like hunter-gatherers, complete with grunting and slurping, so maybe I should be thankful they're not just using their sleeves to wipe their mouths.

Labels: people

Posted by Joe Dirtbag at 1:42 PM | Permalink | Comments

As part of the Combat Lifesaver (CLS) course, students eventually have to demonstrate proficiency at administering saline bags intravenously. This means that students in the CLS course have to give and receive IVs.

My first try was just an ordinary failure. I didn't find the vein and my victim squirmed in pain. My second try was far more spectacular. I easily found the vein and advanced the catheter. Unfortunately, I did not remember to remove the rubber tubing that makes the veins stick out in the first place. When I removed the needle, blood spurted as I panicked and applied pressure with both hands. My victim turned towards the supervising medic and exclaimed, "Uh, can I stop acting like a casualty now? Because this really fucking hurts." Eventually I got the IV hooked up and the drip started, but I got blood everywhere, including all over my shirt. When retelling the story my med school buddy and my medic buddy just laughed and called me a rookie. Oh well.

The guy who ended up doing my IV had a problem with shaky hands. He ultimately got the vein, but as he was approaching with the needle, I was reminded of Michael J. Fox and Muhammad Ali in recent years. That in itself was terrifying, but I guess we all lived through it and can now save each others' lives. It was a surprisingly long course, for how it all boiled down to "just put a tourniquet on the long bone and get them to the hospital - the doctors can fix the rest."

Posted by Joe Dirtbag at 7:59 PM | Permalink | Comments