An Orgy of One

For reasons related to fire safety, the only heat-producing devices we are allowed to own are microwaves and coffee makers. This means that we're not allowed to own toasters, hot plates, water boilers, etc.

A few weeks ago, the fire department had to respond to 2 fire alarms from my building in a single week. The thing is, instead of smoke detectors we have some sort of heat detector - even if no smoke is produced but it senses heat (for example, someone trying to scramble some eggs using a hot plate), the alarm will go off. Conversely, someone can smoke in their own room, filling up the hallway with haze, and the alarm will not go off.

The worst part is that the fire alarms went off twice while I was in the building, and I found out days later. After further questioning, it turns out that the fire alarms are silent for the residents but not the fire department. Which tells me, in the event of an actual life-threatening fire, we will not know about it until the fire department shows up. Especially if we're sleeping.

Seems like yet another example of screwed up priorities.

Labels: barracks

Posted by Joe Dirtbag at 3:47 PM | Permalink | Comments

While talking to a friend stationed at Ft. Bragg, he mentioned hanging out with one of our mutual friends the other day. When I asked how he was doing, I got this reply:

"Oh he's doing fine. He's engaged to a pretty Colombian girl, just like every other dude in 7th Group."

I guess I'm still not exactly familiar with all the stereotypes within the Army.

Posted by Joe Dirtbag at 3:06 PM | Permalink | Comments

Evan, a friend of mine who's in Rear Detachment at Ft. Bragg, is bored with thankless tasks, and has posted something up a fairly entertaining post over at his blog:

Like I said, this is still a noble, if unglamorous undertaking, to clean rooms for returning soldiers. But these are soldiers. How clean do they really want their rooms? Sure, give them a spotless bathroom and a clean refrigerator, but I would bet good money not a single one of them is going to note the glowing whiteness of their tile.

Read the whole thing; he's got videos too.

Posted by Joe Dirtbag at 5:05 PM | Permalink | Comments

The Drill Sergeants in Basic liked to pick on the Platoon Guide, or PG, who was essentially a peer leader selected from among the trainees to play a leadership role to the platoon. One day right before lunch, outside the DFAC:

DS: "LOOK AT THAT WINDOW, PRIVATE."
PG: "Yes, Drill Sergeant."
DS: "DO YOU WANT TO LICK IT?"
PG: "Drill Sergeant?"
DS: "DO YOU WANT TO LICK THE WINDOW?"
PG: "Uh, no, Drill Sergeant."
DS: "THEN STOP ACTING LIKE A WINDOW LICKER AND ASKING STUPID QUESTIONS. DID YOU TAKE THE SHORT BUS TO SCHOOL?"
PG: "No, Drill Sergeant."
DS: "NO YOU'RE NOT GOING TO STOP ACTING LIKE A WINDOW LICKER OR NO YOU DIDN'T TAKE THE SHORT BUS?"
PG: "Uh, n-no I didn't take the short bus, Drill Sergeant."
DS: "CARRY ON. FILE THE PLATOON INTO THE DFAC, PRIVATE."

Posted by Joe Dirtbag at 12:35 PM | Permalink | Comments

So I'm on Facebook catching up with some friends, and an ad catches my eye. It says SMART SOLDIER in big silver letters on a black background. The ad itself is ridiculous, as you can see on the right. It advertises loopholes and tips to help you get what you want out of the Army. And it's only $12 a month!

Seriously, I've got an even better source of information - it's called not being a douchebag. NCOs and Officers will give you plenty of advice to advance in your military career. A lot of them have good experience that's worth learning from. Unless, of course, you have no social skills and suck at your job - then they probably won't want to help you much on their own time. Assuming of course that you want stuff like career advice. If you just want to be a career specialist and want to use loopholes, your unit probably has some master shamurai. There's a guy in my platoon known as the "Rainman of Shammers" because he can avoid the most unavoidable details and formations. And if you are anything but a complete social outcast these E-4's with like 7 years in the service will gladly share their tricks of the trade.

So I click on the link and it has a bunch of boxes targeting different demographics. For the guy who's interested in joining the Army, there's bullet points like "Tips and Tricks to ace basic training" and "Get out of the delayed entry program." Well, I've got a tip to ace basic training - don't be retarded. Seriously, if the prospect of running a 16 minute 2 mile and doing 45 pushups in 2 minutes and doing 55 pushups in 2 minutes sounds too difficult for you, I really would rather not have you around because you probably suck at life. If you can't hit 57.5% of the targets presented to you at the shooting range, including several man-sized targets within 100 meters, you would probably fail at anything. Oh, and for those who are wondering on how to "Get out of the delayed entry program," it's called just not going. There is no penalty, except for some pressure from the recruiter. If you're not a person who can follow through with commitments, again, you are probably doomed to living with your mother at the age of 30.

For those who are already in the military, the home page boasts advice on "Passing the tape test, urinalysis, and more." It's called not being fat and stop doing drugs, dumbass.

Then for those who are about to get out, there's advice for "What to do if you're AWOL." You know what, I'm ok with this website taking those guys' money. Then for the vets there are other things that I really don't know about, because I'm not really concerned with that stuff.

But seriously. Who the hell doesn't know how to use Google? You can find all this stuff for free in probably less time than it takes to put in your credit card number. I like how the site reassures you that you're a smart soldier, despite the fact that you're paying $12 a month for something that's worth $0. Congratulations, you truly are a smart soldier.

Posted by Joe Dirtbag at 7:38 PM | Permalink | Comments