An Orgy of One

Between me and my friend Evan, who is in America (an awesome country to be in for Christmas) rather than with me in Iraq (a less awesome country for an American to be in for Christmas):

me: apparently people who don't celebrate festivus don't always appreciate my airing of grievances
Evan: haha
Evan: http://www.usafband.af.mil/ensembles/BandDiscography.asp?albumID=58
Evan: it's the Air Force's nu-metal band, MAX IMPACT
Evan: one of the more hilarious things I've seen this month
me: oh jeez
me: what...MOS is this?
me: i wonder how that conversation goes at the air force ball
me: full bird colonel
me: his job is "commander and music director"
Evan: well, I'm guessing they're probably already from the band MOS's, although it could be like our All-American Chorus, which is just a billeting, drawn from all different branches
me: this "follow me" is awful
me: wow
me: i mean wow
Evan: "pick up your weapon and follow me / I think we have some chemistry" ???!@???
me: hahahahaha
Evan: I think this woman's got relationship issues
me: wait
me: i just realized
me: i need to put this on my mp3 player
me: and bring it into work
me: put it on speakers
Evan: oh yeah, definitely
me: i might get punched in the face
Evan: and you'd deserve it
me: if you don't post this to my blog i'm posting it on mine
me: i mean yours
me: you know what i mean
Evan: yeah, I think I'll have to, but right now I gots to go. Staff duty on Christmas Eve. Jerks.
me: oh boo freaking hoo
Evan: hahaha
Evan: Merry Christmas
me: you too buddy

It's got everything that I know about soldiers. Making fun of the Air Force, inappropriate speculation about a woman's relationship issues, griping about one's situation, and the early mental formations of a workplace prank.

Posted by Joe Dirtbag at 5:15 AM | Permalink | Comments

My friend and frequent commenter Evan once mentioned American Forces Network and its low-budget PSA commercials. He even links to the greatest AFN commercial of all time.

But it's not all useless. A commercial convinced me to start my Christmas shopping finally, after seeing weeks of "Look at this pretty Christmas tree - WITH NO GIFTS UNDER IT BECAUSE YOU FORGOT TO MEET THE SHIPPING DEADLINE."

Also, while I understand the limitations of satellite television require it, I continually amused that soldiers in the Middle East watch so many commercials about how we shouldn't drive and drive on the Autobahn, and we should take advantage of being in Europe, and if we want to marry a German national we have to register the appropriate paperwork before she can come back to the U.S., etc.

Posted by Joe Dirtbag at 2:14 AM | Permalink | Comments

A conversation where I work:

A major approaches two NCOs from my platoon having a quiet conversation off to the side.
Major - "Hey guys, what's going on here?"
Sergeant - "Oh nothing, just NCO stuff."
Major - "NCO stuff? Why's it gotta be for NCOs only? Why can't it be officer stuff?"
Sergeant - "Sir, if it were officer stuff then we'd be sitting down."

A pretty ballsy thing for an E-5 to say to an O-4, especially since they barely know each other, and the Major doesn't always appreciate jokes.

Posted by Joe Dirtbag at 7:38 AM | Permalink | Comments

This is what my platoon sergeant had us do today. He had us build a sidewalk.

We were given the following items:
1 wooden shipping pallet
1 wheelbarrow
1 circular saw
630 lbs of repair cement, designed to fill cracks and not to actually make pavement
2 hammers
1 axe

We were NOT given:
Extension cords
Running water
Boards
Nails
Bubble level

So we took apart the wooden pallet as carefully as possible, preserving the rusty nails to the best of our ability. We cut the wooden portions to size using the circular saw inside the office amongst computers and stuff, spraying sawdust all over desks and phones and keyboards. Then we laid out the frame of this sides using the boards from the pallet and the rusty nails. Most nails disintegrated under the strain of reuse. After this, we emptied 2 containers of cement into the wheelbarrow. Then we went and filled the 5 gallon buckets that the cement came in with standing algae-breeding cloudy water from a ditch. Then we measured the water using 1L drinking bottles, and mixed the cement with boards. Finally, we poured the cement. And repeated the process until we ran out of cement. After it dried we broke away the wooden portions and filled in the edges with gravel. The same gravel we had to dig up to make room for the concrete in the first place.

Let me remind you that my platoon runs a 24 hour mission over here, and that we each work 90 hours per week (except my PSG who works about 50 hours per week). This was valuable time taken away from busy soldiers.

And all this time, my PSG knew that contractors were going to build sidewalks in that area next month. He just didn't want to wait a full 30 days to walk on solid concrete. So next month when we take the pickaxe to the concrete to make way for the actual professionals to lay down sidewalks, I will toil away and continue to wonder what kind of person chooses to reenlist.

Posted by Joe Dirtbag at 1:40 AM | Permalink | Comments