An Orgy of One

Another phone conversation with the civilian tech support line:

Support guy - "Ok you're all set. In about 5 minutes, wait 10 minutes and then try again."
Me - "Uh, ok. So try again in 15 minutes?"
Support guy - "Hmm. Yeah, I guess that adds up to 15 minutes."

Posted by Joe Dirtbag at 4:01 AM | Permalink | Comments

So occasionally we have to call back to the United States to help troubleshoot some equipment for us. Obviously there is a time difference. I wouldn't think that's a big problem, since the tech support line is specifically for soldiers deployed overseas. And you know, there's a war on. Well, I made a mistaken assumption thinking that DoD's civilian contractors worked to support us in our mission. An excerpt from the phone conversation:

Me - (Description of the problem)
Civilian - "Sigh. Sir, do you know what time it is over here?"

I remember just being confused for a moment:

1. I thought the help line was 24 hours for a reason.
2. The vast majority of their calls have to come from either Iraq or Afghanistan.
3. I'm calling this guy at his workplace, where his job is to answer phones and troubleshoot problems. It's not like I woke him up in his bed at some ungodly hour. He's on the clock.

I didn't understand the senior NCOs' distaste for civilians until this deployment. I don't hate civilians - I just hate civilians who happen to work directly within the military bureaucracy.

Posted by Joe Dirtbag at 6:08 AM | Permalink | Comments

I received the following in an email about some training I didn't know I signed up for:

Army Knowledge Online users can view an unofficial copy of your training record, including future reservations, by visiting the AKO Site (http://www.army.mil/):
Sign into your AKO account:
-Click on "Self Service" link
-Click on "My Education" link
-Click on "Go to ATRRS Online" link
-Click on "Individual Training Record" link (top left side, in student menu)
Note: A web version of the ATRRS "RS" (reservations) function will pop-up. If you need more information on a course you can click the course and get the report, the start and end dates, as well as the location of the school.

There are several problems here.

1. That's not the correct URL to the AKO website.
2. Isn't there an address for the actual page I'm looking for? Asking me to log into a site and then click 5 times on different links seems like a huge waste of my time when my internet is this slow, and the pages I'm navigating through are large.
3. That last link doesn't exist, and none of the other links on that page really give me any information about this mystery class I've "signed up" for.
4. The information given shows that this class started 10 days before I received this email. I mean, it's supposed to be an online course, but I can't figure anything else out about it. Or even where I'm supposed to complete it at.

I guess I'll ask my training NCO about it.

Posted by Joe Dirtbag at 9:10 AM | Permalink | Comments

I was without internet for a while - the satellite modem that provides internet to about 25 people in our housing area on the FOB went down on the same day that MWR's air conditioner caught on fire. Since I know of an Army computer that actually connects to the ordinary internet, I got to try that out a few times to check my email. Some things I noticed:

1. They kinda try to block "blog/personal page" websites, but it doesn't seem to make any sense to me. Bloglines is blocked, but not Google Reader. Sites with "blog" in the url are not necessarily blocked, but they HAVE blocked The Internet Food Association. I can visit most of the blogs I care to read, but not the web-based aggregator of choice. This causes me to waste more time than necessary on the government network.
2. AKO doesn't work from the computer I was using. This confuses me, because I have since confirmed that it works just fine from every other computer.
3. I can't open attached documents in Gmail in Google Apps, because web applications are blocked. Even if it's work related.

Well, then again, Army IT jobs are one of those things where I'm convinced I can do a much better job than the status quo, without the benefit of actually attending their MOS's training.

Posted by Joe Dirtbag at 3:54 AM | Permalink | Comments

Before I came to Iraq, I actually looked forward to fewer stupid rules. I was mostly wrong about that.

From S4 at War (a unit S4 is responsible for supply/logistics and stuff) comes this story of how KBR gets stuck behind an invisible line, because the rules state that they can't cross it to clean a port-o-pottie. To me, though, the real story isn't the officer who has to make sure it gets done, but rather the soldier who actually gets tasked with moving the latrines daily onto the other side of this invisible line.

Posted by Joe Dirtbag at 4:37 PM | Permalink | Comments

So as a junior enlisted soldier, I am sometimes called to do things like pick up trash. It's a lot like volunteering for an Adopt-a-Highway program, where you pick up trash and put it in a trash bag. We do it every morning here, and it usually isn't anything worth writing home about.

Today was different. It was my day to pick up trash. About 15 minutes into it, I picked up a water bottle that I thought was covered in mud. It was wholly unremarkable in itself. I threw it in the trash, not taking much notice about what made this muddy water bottle so special. As I continued along, picking up other trash, I caught a distinct whiff of shit. It was coming from inside the trash bag. I doublechecked, and there was indeed what appeared to be shit smeared all over the inside of the bag. Confused, I stopped and stood motionless for about 2 seconds trying to comprehend what was happening. What happened next in my mind went something like this:

"Wait where did this come from? OH JEEZ it was that muddy water bottle. That wasn't mud That was liquefied human shit OH IT IS ALL OVER MY HANDS WTF HOW DID IT GET ALL OVER THE OUTSIDE OF THIS BAG THE STENCH IS OVERWHELMING ME WHY DIDN'T I WEAR GLOVES TODAY I NEED TO GO TO THE TRASH CAN NOW."

While dry heaving, I walked very quickly to the nearest trash can and threw away the entire bag, and made a beeline to the nearest bathroom. I scrubbed thoroughly, muttering under my breath, asking myself why I didn't get a normal job after college.

Posted by Joe Dirtbag at 1:43 AM | Permalink | Comments